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| Me, pregnant and periodically alone |
I’ve never really had much confidence. I never believed I was clever enough, thin enough, tall enough, pretty enough, good enough. I think that’s how I ended up staying in a horribly abusive, manipulative relationship with, and getting pregnant by, a truly nasty person. I didn’t take much convincing that I really couldn’t do any better than this; he was my only chance of ever having kids.
Throughout my pregnancy, I was petrified. Here I was, bringing a new life into the world, when I couldn’t even look after myself! I split up with the man several times during my pregnancy, but kept going back because I didn’t think I could be a mum without his help. He already had several children, so obviously he knew better than me: about how to raise children, what I should be eating, which vitamins I should take, how I should wash, whether I should go to the hospital when my waters broke 5 weeks early.
When my daughter was born, tiny and jaundiced and unable to suck and swallow for herself, I felt like a big old drama queen for being panicked and worried and crying. After all, it was no big deal. A lot of babies get jaundice; I shouldn’t be fussing so much.
When he left us, I still felt I needed to call him and ask what to do if my daughter had a nappy rash, was feeding a lot, couldn’t sleep. That lasted a few days, and then my health visitor came round. She told me a few things, asked me a few questions about whether I really thought he was such a great dad. When I changed my daughter’s nappy and slathered her bum in Sudocrem, as I’d been told to do, she stopped me. She asked me why I was doing that, and I told her this was what he had told me to do (not shown me; he had refused to change her nappy himself, as it made her cry and he didn’t like it). The health visitor showed me how to apply a very thin layer, rubbing it in thoroughly to ensure it helped clear up the rash. As she left, she said “and please stop listening to him!”
Without my ex partner to tell me what to do, I felt a bit lost. I knew I couldn’t listen to him any more, so I had to find someone else to listen to… but who? Everyone does things so differently! This person leaves their baby to cry it out; this one has the baby on her chest to sleep all evening until she goes to bed. This one started with baby rice at 12 weeks; this one went with baby led weaning at six months. Who to ask? Who to follow?
One friend told me I needed to show my daughter who was boss; she needed a strict routine, and shouldn’t be held too much, lest she get used to it and expect it all the time. This felt wrong to me; I couldn’t bear to try and force her to sleep when she was awake, to have rigid, set feeding times. In the end, I listened to that little voice in my head. I stopped using the buggy, and held S in the sling for large portions of time, even around the house. I got rid of the moses basket, and had S sleep in bed with me; sometimes on me. People disagreed with me, and I was often told, “ooh, you want to get her out of that habit!” And I ignored them. I smiled, nodded my head and walked away. For the first time in my life, I had confidence that actually, I knew what was best. I was right, I was the one making the decisions, and I wasn’t going to do as I was told.
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| I can safely say I have never giggled so much in my life |
As time has gone on, I have maintained that belief in the fact I am right when it comes to what’s right for my child. And slowly, over time, confidence in other areas has grown as well. I don’t think I’m necessarily gorgeous or skinny or whatever, but I find that I don’t particularly care what other people think of me. Having been in an abusive relationship where every aspect of my life was controlled by someone else, I’ve come through that determined to never again let anyone control me.
So now here I am, fourteen months on. I’ve gone from being petrified of my daughter, to having fun with her; and along the way, I’ve gained a lot more self-confidence. We giggle all the time. And nobody tells me what to do!
Thanks to Vicky for writing this post. If you’d like to know more about Vicky, you can visit her blog ‘Single Mother Ahoy’ by clicking here. You can also follow Vicky on twitter @bubbles3563
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