Envy

Photos of families on Facebook.

Grandparents cuddling grandchildren.

Mums like me, arm in arm with their mums walking down the street, chatting about their day and what they’re going to cook for dinner.

Smiling, laughing, making memories.

I envy you.

Colleagues talking about their mums, their old bedrooms from when they were younger and reminiscing about times gone by.

I envy you.

Having lost mum many years ago, I can’t help but well up a little when I see other people with their mums, knowing that I’ll never have the chance to talk to mum again.

Working in people’s homes, I take a lot in. Especially when I see family photos hanging on the wall. Three generations smiling back at me. Grandma, mum and children.

A picture I’ll never have of my own.

Perhaps envy is the wrong word. I mean, when I see these pictures and hear those stories of the funny thing your mum did on the weekend, I smile. It must be lovely to grow up with a mum who can meet your children, watch you walk down the aisle and share recipes with you.

Sadly, my mum will never meet her grandchildren or see her children get married.

A few days ago, I was sent some unseen photographs of my mum, my sister and I from when we were younger. It was lovely seeing those photos and brought back wonderful memories of times I’d forgotten about.

I thought to myself, if I could go back to being a child again. To when mum was still alive, would I change anything?

The answer is yes, but only if I knew then what I know now.

I’d spend more time with her, be nicer to her and be more considerate and understanding.

Although mum passed away 12 years, grieving never gets any easier. It actually gets harder the older I get as the more time passes by since I last saw mum. The memories fade, but I’m thankful for the photographs to remind me.